I still hurt so much, and the only person who can make it better doesn't care about me anymore. I wish I could have another chance, I wish we could give it another shot. All that we've been through together, all that you've said to me; all for nothing? It's all so sudden and it has all caught me unaware. I never saw it coming at all. Maybe I'm just blind. Or just stupid. You said before that I'd made you a complete person, but now you've broken me. You used to make me feel so secure, like nothing could harm me and nothing bad would happen to me, I used to think we were unshakeable. Now I'm left alone and I feel so vulnerable and so lost. You've said countless times that you'd never leave me, and I believed you with everything that I had. I guess words are, after all, just words.

I wished I'd made more of an impact on your life, like you have done with mine.

When I spoke to you last night about everyday, mundane things, idle chatter, I almost felt normal - almost. I felt happier than I have the past almost-two weeks. Even though it wasn't the same.

I'm so pathetic and so helpless and so lost, I wish I could just die.

you're only the best I ever had

It's like everything's the same, except the biggest part of my life is missing.

I feel so empty.

I think I'm pathetic, but please, come back.

I saw a shooting star tonight while having dinner outside, around 7:35pm. I hope my wish comes true.

Guess How Much I Love You
-remember the book? I feel so stupid now. ): I remember looking all over for that book, certain that I'd be able to sit down and read it with you, hoping that you'd like it.

Someone whom I love so very much, who was my whole world for eight months, doesn't love me anymore.
At least that's how it fucking appears, I wouldn't know for sure because I've been given no explanation.
It hurts so much, and I'm more lost than I've even been.
I'm lost, confused and shocked.
I never thought it'd turn out this way.
I never saw it coming. I never did I swear. I thought it'd turn out to be completely different. The total opposite.
I'm hurt beyond what I've ever known, and I'm confused and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do and I can't stop thinking.
What if I'd acted differently, would things still be the same?
I feel like I'm not good enough, no not good enough anymore. I feel so stupid, and so useless.
So empty.

I wish you'd talk to me, at least some explanation. If it means anything to you, I still love you so fucking much. And I can't do anything and that just chokes me up. I feel like giving up on everything now.

I don't know what else to say, I'm too hurt to think.
Sometimes it hurts so much that I don't feel any pain, I'm just numb. Other times it hits me real hard and I cry non-stop for ages.

I wish it didn't end this way, but as long as you're happy, then that's all that matters.

):

Good stuff. Thank you Chingy (:(:

So it all comes down to tonight. I was raking my brain thinking of a suitable emo title about how it all happens tonight - I know there is one but my memory fails me.
Tonight: Make it or break it. Cross your fingers (and your hearts) for me.
I haven't felt this lost before, it's like knowing you're coming to the end of a long dark tunnel, but not knowing what's at the end; another tunnel or blessed daylight?

Worry Rock

School on Monday.
While I don't hate school anymore, it's so much more fun to have holidays and slack off, isn't it? I still see my friends outside of school, so there's no reason to want to rush back to projects, deadlines and stress.
Ok ok ok I like Singapore Polytechnic. Like it so much that I have the school crest on my room door now (ok I nicked it but still, I have it and I like it!)
I wouldn't be caught dead with any Paya Lebar Methodist rubbish on my door.

Anyway, school's on Monday and that means I'll have to sleep earlier. No more 4 or 5am, more like 2am. Ok while not a very big difference it does help, some.
Shit it's fucking hard to sleep nowadays. The past week or so has been a myraid of late nights and tears and I can't break the chain.

I love Green Day. They say all I want to say. If I hit shuffle on all my Green Day songs, ten to one I'd get a song that says some part of how I feel. And it brings back such memories. Every fibre of me still hurts, and I'm still left wondering.

Will you talk soon? Every day I beat myself to think of an answer, a solution.


I'm sad and you know it I'm depressed do you feel it I'm holding on do you want it?

Will it ever be the same?

It's pretty strange how though we physically have nothing around our left side of our chest - ok we have the heart which is a purely physical organ, it's just a lump of muscle with ventricles, different chambers and lots of blood vessels.
But it's pretty strange how, when we suffer emotional pain, there is an actual physical pain in that region, even though it's not really physically or medically possible.

Well it hurts when I cry, and it hurts when I don't. It's been hurting since Wednesday night.


It's only, only, only my heart talkin'


ahh punk rock. Green Day, to be exact. Nostalgia boulevard, next stop.



But it still hurts.

The perfect ending..

..would be to die tomorrow. Hit by a speeding truck and die instantly. Chen Yan, please use the Deathnote.

I'm a fucking pathetic loser. I feel so lost without two very important people in my life. I guess I never realised what fucking huge impacts you both made until you both started slipping away.
I'm so sick of crying. I'm sick of crying when I sit at my computer. I'm sick of crying every morning before I sleep. I'm sick of having to go to the toilet whilst I'm out when I feel like I need to cry. I'm sick of everything, I'm sick of feeling like shit, the lowest of the low, I'm so far jaded I don't know if I can ever get back to where I was.
I'm crying now fuck.
I'm too weak, I'm really tired and I'm too pathetic to go on.
I can't even begin to describe myself now. I have many words, but none totally capture it. All these lines fall short of what I'm trying to say.
A failed attempt to capsulize this feeling indeed.
School's starting next week, I have tests on subjects that I know absolutely (take my word for it) NOTHING about, and I can't even attempt to study cause I can't concentrate. I have multiple deadlines looming and I forsee failing modules.
I'm trying, trying so hard to hang on.
Please don't let it be for nothing.

I can't hold on for much longer.

And it's hard at the end of the day..

Sometimes when you're hurt so deeply it doesn't sink in. It doesn't register until you're alone and have time to think. Like on buses, and while you're lying in bed at night. Then it hits, and it hits hard.
I need some distraction.
I'm sorry I'm pressurising you. Again. Why can't we just meet up and discuss it though? sigh.
I realise I keep asking and keep trying to get to the bottom of things, to find out what's wrong when you say you want time to think. I'm sorry I keep asking. I guess I just don't understand anything at all. No, I KNOW I don't understand anything at all. It's like being in a very dark room, and your only match has burnt out, and you need to find the exit. I keep feeling my way around, but I come up with nothing.
oh beautiful release
I know it's hard for you. Realise then, it's like a million times harder for me, cause I've nothing to think about, I know what I want, and all I'm left with is wondering what you want. And hoping that you will eventually come to the conclusion that we want the same thing, and we can get it back.
Yesterday I had nothing to do so I took buses around, and I ended up at the Esplanade, at the small park opposite Fullerton. Do you realise the significance of those places? Do you still remember? Sometimes now, I don't want to remember anymore, cause it just hurts too much, but I can't help it.
memories seep from my veins
I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong and I wish I could just grab a calander and flip back, back to when the world was just the two of us and we couldn't find any fault with each other. I guess you want that too. I hope you believe in me enough to want that. We can make it happen again, if you believe in me as much as I do in you.
I'm turning into the kind of person I don't like, the type who begs and pleads for something. I don't like it, but I'm so fucking close to it. Closerthanthis.

I've blocked you in MSN, I'm going to be open with it. Please, if you have anything left to say to me, call me or text me. My phone's always with me, always waiting for your number to flash on the screen.
I'm so very sorry, but I don't want to have the temptation of talking to you and possibly fucking up any chances I have left.

If I even have any left.

let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight


I just want the week to end.

Don't know what you got 'til it's gone.
-but I knew what I had. I know what I have. I want what I have.

That's it, I guess. It's been taken completely out of my hands, and, realise it or not, it's in yours.
It's not my call anymore, I have nothing to think about. As far as I know, I want to give it another chance, to persevere and continue trying as much as I can, to hold on to whatever I can, to clutch at every straw. If tears could solve everything, everything would have been solved a hundred times over.
Sounds desperate?
It's because I love you, I still love you so very much. You're so special to me, you were all I could think about, and you still are. No matter how hurt I am, no matter how all this has screwed me up and fucked with my mind, I still love you, and nothing will ever stop that.
I know you hurt too, I know you're confused and I understand the need for this break. I've learnt things that have hurt me badly, but I can see it from your angle and I only wish you'd told me sooner.
I'm not going to beg and I'm not going to plead with you, it's all up to you and I've given myself up.
Remember how it was like before, remember how we met, remember all the times we've said "I love you", remember every touch and every little word.
I hope everything we used to say wasn't a lie. It was true then, and I hope it stays true for now, and for always.

Just know that I stand firm in my belief in you.
I hope you believe in me too.

Stay strong.

it's going to be a long, long week.



This is the best song right now.

I can't tell you baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago
I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words
I can't let go
If we take some time to think it over baby
Take some time, let me know
If you really want to go

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

I can't feel the things that cause you pain
I can't clear my heart of your love it falls like rain
Ain't the same
I hear you calling far away
Tearing through my soul I just can't take another day
Who's to blame
If we take some time to think it over baby
Take some time let me know
If you really wanna go

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Do you wanna see me beggin' baby
Can't you give me just one more day
Can't you see my heart's been draggin' lately
I've been lookin' for the words to say

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Don't know what you got till it's gone no
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

-Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got"